On Marriage:
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other woman replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
On their 25th Wedding Anniversary, the wife told her husband:
"In the morning, there better be something in the driveway that goes from zero to 200 in under two seconds."
The following morning, the wife found a small box sitting in the drive. Upon opening it, she found a bathroom scale.
- Funeral services were held the following Saturday -
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
Then there was a woman who said:
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First woman: "My husband's an angel! "Second woman: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.
Ponder This:
In a relationship, "a One-Way Street is a very short journey down a Dead-End Road." RJV
One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed the thimble to help her husband in making a living for the two of them. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, The Lord again appeared and asked her, Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious.

"You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
- That's our story, and we're sticking to it. -
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no , I only live a mile away.

About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away.

The police tell the party animal to stay put and they'll be right back.

They hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver's license.. They ask to see his car and she asks why.

They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage.

She opens the door.
There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.
- True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting. -
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug out.
Do you want a room with or without a view?
You know how they say a boat is referred to as "She" and classified a female? Well, I believe everything in this world actually does have a gender. . .

And here are some of them:
  • ZIPLOC BAGS are male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

  • SHOES are male, because they are usually unpolished, with their tongues hanging out.

  • PHOTOCOPIERS are female, because once turned off, they take a while to warm up.

  • TIRES are male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

  • HOT AIR BALLOONS are male, because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under them and, of course, there's the hot air part.

  • SPONGES are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

  • THE SUBWAY is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

  • AN HOURGLASS is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

  • HAMMERS are male, because they haven't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but they are handy to have around.

  • A REMOTE CONTROL is female. Ha! You thought it would be "male". But consider this: it gives men pleasure, they'd be lost without it, and while they don't always know the right buttons to push, they keep on trying.
Political Humor

President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office.
That's why it's a 60-second spot."
-- Jay Leno
"President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters: Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?'"
-- Jay Leno
"Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That's the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination.
See for President Bush it's different, his magic number is 5. That's the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win."
-- Jay Leno
"A new poll says that if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat President Bush by a double digit margin. The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month."
-- Jay Leno
"The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack for his service in the National Guard. The commanding officers can't remember seeing Bush between May and October of '72. President Bush said, 'Remember me? I'm the drunk guy.'"
-- Jay Leno
"The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that? It's called Fox News."
-- Craig Kilborn
"President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India, or Thailand, or China."
-- Jay Leno
"In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there."
-- Craig Kilborn
"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges."
-- Jay Leno
"The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election."
-- Jay Leno
"On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, ''Phhh, you mean like last time?'"
-- Jay Leno
"This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making campaign appearance with the guys who saved their lives in Vietnam. Meanwhile President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a math test for him."
-- Conan O'Brien
"It's weird watching President Bush struggle with excuses for why we went to war. As he struggles, it reminds us all what a terrific liar Bill Clinton really was."
-- Craig Kilborn
"President Bush said that American workers will need new skills to get the new jobs in the 21st century. Some of the skills they're going to need are Spanish, Chinese, Korean, because that's where the jobs went."
-- Jay Leno
"Former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill has written a book about his years with the Bush Administration. He said that President Bush while at cabinet meetings is disengaged, he's uninformed, distracted, he's passive, and the Democrats are saying to themselves " how can we possibly beat this guy?"
-- David Letterman
"President Bush spoke briefly to reporters before playing a round of golf in Crawford, Texas earlier today. ... This raises the question: Shouldn't the guy who is really running the country and who has had like 20 heart attacks be taking the vacation?"
-- Craig Kilbrn
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